The Contemptuous Cupid

Normally I’ll find any excuse to go out for a lovely meal but as I’ve grown older (not necessarily wiser) I’ve become increasingly more sceptical when it comes to making a thing of February 14th. Obviously this has nothing to do with the fact that I’m stoically single and everything to do with the horrendously awkward atmosphere that descends upon every couple filled restaurant on Valentine’s. Given my aforementioned relationship status, I felt that specifically discussing Valentine’s do’s and don’ts wouldn’t quite work. So instead I’ve pulled upon the power of prosecco and a night in to collate some top tips when embarking on the treacherous planes of the dating world...

1. Do not under any circumstances use good manners. Good manners are such a turn off. We’d much prefer it if you could avoid using them at all costs.
2. At regular intervals throughout any date make sure you continually get your phone out. We like to be reminded that our level of conversation is extremely uninteresting and doesn’t warrant a response.
3. Misogyny is a non-negotiable must.
4. Fun makes us really uncomfortable so please try not to have it.
5. Make sure you call us by the wrong name. At least twice. Feeling like we have your undivided attention is frankly intolerable.
6. Always talk about your previous sexual partners, some say it’s the ultimate aphrodisiac.
7. Definitely do not buy us flowers. Ever. They smell really great and we hate things that smell great.
8. Never ask us questions. We love self-indulgent one way conversations and hate when people try to get to know us.
9. Definitely don’t take the initiative to arrange to spend time with us off your own back. We find it ever so inconvenient when you think of people other than yourself. 
10. Lastly but arguably the most important and valuable piece of advice. Always, always drop off the face of the earth for at least six months and then reach out again with our favourite line. Hey Stranger...